This website is too damn slow.

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It took me four days to navigate through all this crap. In any case, how about a quick update?

Bought a new car, finally. A wonderful 2004 Chevy Silverado with extended cab and all the fixins. Now I have something new to worry about 24/7. Very exciting. I've had it for a week and I've already washed it three times.

Speaking of car washes, I went to my first one in a long time. I left my window open while the sprayers went by. I got wet. Ruined my taco that I was eating while watching the sprayer robot thingy come towards my window. It was quite a moment.

Went to the Wolves game last Saturday. That was a good time. Hockey moves a lot faster than I thought. My brain thought so too as I would find myself staring at the wrong side of the rink for quite some time. I probably wouldn't have even caught myself had Erin not said something. Strange game. You never reallly see the puck. They could just as well be smaking their sticks on the ground, sans puck, and I wouldn't know the difference. But man, talk about a sport that requires a lot of skill. I could never glide on a couple of blades while trying to get a black rock past moving mattress, into a crate. Crazy, I tell you.

Work has been decent. Went to the Carolinas and Michigan on my first business trips ever. Managed to get hammered in the Carolinas and throw up out of the car. Managed to only work and sleep while in Michigan. Talk about night and day. On second thought, don't talk about it. Everybody knows about night and day.

Halfway through busy season. A+ to that.

Oh, and for all you Seinfeld fans out there, I highly recommend you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. Check it out.

I'm pretty sure I've become addicted to two new things: Chap Stick and Diet Coke. I think I buy a thing of Chap Stick twice a week, and go through 6 cans of Diet Coke a day. Chap Stick is amazing. It makes those sore, dry lips turn into make-out flappers. Sometimes I put too much on and it looks like i've been eating Vasoline. But hey, everybody wants a piece of moisturized lips. Mmmmm..... Diet Coke is also amazing, but for many different reasons: 1. It's good. 2. It makes me feel good. 3. It's really good. 4. It makes me have to pee a lot, meaning many bathroom breaks at work. 5. Goes great with Goldfish. 6. It's good on moisturized lips.

I'm quickly approaching the ripe old age of 23. The sad thing about this is that I'm 23 years old and I still freaked myself out by playing Resident Evil 4 in the dark. I ended up having a nightmare about the game. I was this Leon dude and I had this gernade thingy and I threw it at this zombie dude, and he didn't die. Then he threw a pick-ax through my face and I died.

I didn't play that game tonight.

I've never been so confused

It's been a while since I have updated this blasted thing. I'm not quite sure anybody even reads it anymore. But for those of you that do, and myself, here is a quick and dirty update.

Started work. Started work during busy season. It's busy. I'm all right with the busy part. The traveling is getting me. I first thought that traveling would be sweet. You get to see new places, try new things. Yes, that's great fun when you are with people you enjoy. It's not so much fun when you are with people you can't stand.

Bought a mini fridge. Life can't get any better than that.

Been thinking a lot about some things. A decision here could mean a whole new direction. Question is, which direction is the best to take?

I've been listening to a lot of Johnny Cash lately...

and I don't know why that is. His music makes me want to walk really slow and carry something heavy over my shoulder, like a large timber. hi-ho.

I need a big blue ox.


I've been debating with myself a lot lately. It's always a tie. I'm trying to decide what should come first, a new car or to move the hell out of my house. When I'm going to work, I think new car. When I'm at home, I think move out. Hopefully I'll stike it rich and I can do both.

Right now I'm listening to "Turn to Stone" by E.L.O. It's making me really angry. The guy keeps telling this woman that he turns to stone when she leaves. Maybe he should get a better job and a new pair of shoes. She probably wouldn't leave your sorry ass so much if you weren't a 55 gallon drum of emotion. Grow some balls. She's probably out with some other guy while you sit at home wallowing in a pool of your own stoney self pity.

This post is going nowhere. Not that any of them do.

I bought a 4 pack of these energy drinks on Thursday night and drank all four of them at work on Friday. That made for a good ride. I've never worked so fast in my life. I even caught myself making noises with my mouth at my desk while i was working. I could have pissed myself and not have known. You know you've had too much if you start sweating while inputing data into an Excel file. I think I'll just stick to coffee from now on. 5 or 6 cups sounds reasonable.

I'm going to go pay some past-due bills.

I'm going to make my own exercise video....

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....and it's going to change the workout video industry. I've recently started working out again due to all the free time since school has ended. It started out on a regular basis, with a regular routine, but that became boring. So, I came up with a solution.

You only have to work out before you see a hot girl/girlfriend/boyfriend/hot guy. This way, when they ring your bell, you can embrace them with open, recently swollen arms and pectorals (nobody cares about the legs).

The video, "How To Be Swell" will show you 10 techniques to look and feel stronger than you actually are (results are temporary). Here's a peek into what you'll learn:


1.
Do 30 push-ups really fast 7-10 minutes before your girlfriend/hot girl shows up.

2.
While going for a walk, bend your arm in an L, slightly flexing. When she drapes her arm through yours, she will feel your lumber cutters. Don't flex too hard, she'll think you can't breathe.

3.
While in crowded areas (concerts, picnics, riots, cult meetings), flex your ass cheeks when attractive woman/girlfriend walks by. "Wow, he's a hard-ass"........shhhh, it's your secret.

4.
Chew gum and chew it hard. It'll make you look like you have a really strong jaw. I don't know what that means but Brad Pitt has it.

5.
Wear shirts that are painfully tight in the armpits. This is like a rubberband on your finger, minus the turning purple part. Your arms will swell up like The Incredible Hulk.

6.
Get in the shower. Make sure your hot girl/girlfriend gets to your house before you get out of the shower. When she asks why you were in the shower, respond as though you are still out of breath from such a streneous workout, "Workin' out, ya know".

7.
Before people arrive at your home/gym, perform number 5. Then go into your basement and put a ton of weights on your benchpress. When your guests arrive, ask them to play darts or ping pong. They will see that you can bench 500 pounds and be amazed. It's believeable because you have the swollen, blood deprived arms.

8.
Crack your neck. Cracking your neck means you're strong and you don't take shit from nobody.

9.
While walking in crowds or at a bar, stick your chest out and don't smile. Smiling is a sign of weakness. Chicks only dig guys with big pecs and short tempers.

10.
While sitting on a couch or chair, place the bicep on the armrest. Place it in such a way as to "flatten and stretch" the bicep. This will make your arm look friggen huge. This is dangerous however. Removing the arm will reveal your weakness.

Be sure to include this dialogue in each technique:
Attractive Lady/Gent: "Have you been working out?"
You: "Eh."
Attractive Lady/Gent: "I want you."
You: "O.K."


All of these take lots of practice to perfect. I've been doing this for years, so that makes me some sort of master. Exercising isn't about your health, it's about making you attractive to other people. So why waste your time with the soreness and stiffness that comes with working out when you can just deceive people. It's so much easier. Plus, you can use your extra time to play the new Prince of Persia game.

A Moment of Silence, Please.

I finally made it to the Super Bowl in Madden 2005 yesterday. Boy was it a great game. My Eagles tore up the Pat's 14-17 with a last minute 54 yard field goal. It was a tough season, full of ups and downs. We lost the tremendous Westbrook to injury early in the season, lost a couple of games, but ended up on top. The franchise is looking stronger then ever. We were hoping to make some great changes in the offseason and to repeat this years achievements.

Then.... disaster struck.

I was so excited about the victory that I jumped up in my chair and tripped over the powercord. As most of you know, this turns off the machine. This is especially bad when the game is currently saving your franchise that you have worked so hard at.

It's all gone.........i weep.

Alas, my achievements overcome my failures. I will be patiently sitting in my room drinking Mountain Dew, waiting for the women and riches to arrive. The door will be unlocked, just come on in.

I forgot I had this thing

New updates coming soon... as soon as i can figure out something cool to say. Which should be in about an hour, making this post useless.

Four More Years of Hell

Just kidding. I voted for the man. Congratulations Mr. Bush.


First thing on your agenda should be to put 20 million into researching wrinke free jeans. I have a bitch with them. Even when I pull them out of the dryer they're wrinkled. Ironing does no good, only temporarily gives me hope while they're on the ironing board. But once I put them on "SHOOOM" wrinkles. I have to wear the mofo's for 3 weeks straight before I don't look like the California Rasins.

The other option would be to fold my clothes.... but where's the fun in that?

I'm going to Cleveland this weekend. I'm not sure why. I just do what my girlfriend tells me to do. I'm sure it'll be fun.

And congratulations to Chicago. You're officially going to have the highest sales tax in the U.S. at a whopping 9% on retail and 10.25% at eateries. I'm fairly convinced that Daley is a King, not a Mayor. Future plans include a moat around the city and with the aid of Donald Trump, a 20 foot high, 8 foot thick wall and an emerald palace.

Delays are expected to be heavy on I-94 Inbound due to a drawbridge malfunction. Wizards are on their way to the scene to conjure up an "Open Sesame" spell.


I'm going to go buy a video game.